Confessions of a heart breaker
by Cheynee
Summary: Getting your heart broken sucks, but what if you're the heartbreaker? What if letting go means you give the one you love a better life even if it ruins yours? The side of the story not often heard...
1. Breaking up is hard to do

"Drug fucked," she spits at me with venom.

I ignore her and keep playing my play station game, my favourite bit, having sex with a prostitute, how cool can a game get when you actually get to fuck anything you want, steal whatever you want, be anything you want without consequence.

"Are you even listening to me?" she snaps, pushing her face in front of me. "Are you?"

I keep ignoring her, she keeps yelling.

"Why am I even here Nick? Why? The first day you'll spend willingly with me in a month and you're acting like I don't exist!"

"Can you move out of my way please?" I ask, boring my gaze into her.

She moves for me, she gets up and leaves the room.

I consider keep playing my game but my conscience wins and I follow her to where I know she'll be. My room.

I walk in and she's on the bed, completely oblivious that I'm there, tracing the scars on her wrists.

"My friends are gonna be here soon so…" I tell her, unable to stand staring at the marks of my failure permanently etched on her skin.

Slowly, so slowly I don't even realise she's moving at first, she gets up and she faces me. She is hurt, it's written it every line in her face, a new mask of pain and confusion, that I know I'm responsible for.

"Why are you doing this?" she whispers.

I don't even have an answer for her. How do I explain that I love her so much that I'm willing to let go of her so she can get the life she deserves, get the guy she deserves. How do I explain properly what I'm willing to sacrifice for her own good.

"Baby?" she asks a little softer.

I shrug. "I've just been busy."

I take a joint out and light it up in front of her, her eyes flash, she grabs it and she puts it out in my Jim Beam by my bed.

"That's why isn't it? Weed," Alexia says it like it's the nastiest thing in the world. "You don't even realise how pathetic you are."

Her words rip me apart, syllable by syllable.

"You don't need me, you don't need your friends, you don't even need your family, because weed has replaced all that. I don't even remember the last time you were fucking straight, can you?"

I stare at her, anger boiling up inside me. "For someone so smart, you're fucking stupid."

She slams her fist hard into my chest. "Fuck you. Maybe I'd know more if you told me, but you don't because I'm not even your girlfriend, I'm just your movable, talking fucking blow up doll."

I flinch, but only slightly. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

"Do you know how it feels to be second place to a fucking _drug_?" she snaps. "You are addicted aren't you? Aren't you? Why the fuck do you even keep me around Nick? You got everything you need right there."

_I love you._ Again I shrug.

Angry tears fall down her face. "You can't keep doing this, _I_ can't keep doing this. It's…it's not fair ok. I can't make this relationship work by myself."

"Then stop trying," I suggest, meaning that I can't stand to see her try harder.

Gritting her teeth she heads for the door. "I'm going since I'm clearly not welcome."

"Your bus doesn't come for another forty five minutes," I point out, concern starting to edge its way in.

"I'll walk," she says boldly, picking her stuff up.

"It's nine thirty, don't be stupid."

She turns to face me, a look in her eyes I've never seen before, is it…hate?

"I would rather be stupid then drug fucked and blinded by something that doesn't even care about me!"

She walks out. I don't stop her.

She's absolutely right. I am drug fucked. I am addicted to something. But it's not weed. It's her. She is my addiction and that's why I've been distancing myself from her. Because all addicts have to eventually give up, to get help. I didn't want anyone to help me lose Alexia, I would have stayed with her forever if it weren't the fact that she was becoming too attached, that one day I would have to eventually leave her and by then it _would_ be too late, but not for me, for her.

I clench my teeth as a single tear falls down my face. I clench my teeth as I make my decision. I clench my teeth as I take down all our pictures. Tomorrow I go cold turkey.

"Are you getting up?" Tiff asks poking her head in my room the next morning.

I grunt a reply.

"The bus comes in thirty minutes, don't you want a shower and a morning joint?"

I can tell she's joking but I snap. "What the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?"

She shrugs, used to my hostility. "Couldn't help but hear your argument last night…"

I roll my eyes. "I'm not talking about that shit."

She nods. "Do you think maybe she has a point?"

"Who's side are you on?" I ask defensively.

She turns my light on and notices all the pictures are gone. "What did you do?" she whispers.

I shrug, forcing myself up to look at the emptiness. "What had to be done," I retort.

She turns to leave but stops at the door. "Her side," she whispers and quickly leaves.

I sigh and start to get dressed. Wouldn't everyone be?

The day goes quick, too quick, except for home room. I sit as far away as possible from her. She won't look at me, she won't look at anyone, she just stares at her work in front of her, almost catatonic.

"What's going on with you two?" Steve asks, a kid from our class, neither of our good friends.

I shrug. "It's just time."

His eyes widen with shock and confusion, he looks at Alexia then back at me. "But she's…so…hot."

I can't help but smile ruefully. "I know."

"When?" he whispers back, and I know he's waiting to spread the gossip.

"Lunch time," I reply a little louder than I should.

Her head snaps up and she stares over with betrayed eyes.

"Brutal," Steve whistles before going back to his work.

I watch a piece of Alexia die in front of me and I feel a piece of myself die too. "Yes," I agree tearing my gaze away from her. "Yes."

I take a drag from my hand rolled joint and stare over at her, sitting quietly for once with her friends. The weed doesn't make me feel calm this time, it makes me nervous, paranoid, sick. Maybe it was because I knew what I had to do, and I didn't want to do it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you today man?" Ray asks me. "Alexia not giving you enough?"

I couldn't stop myself I decked him one in the face just as Alexia's friends Louise and Elise came over. What could they possibly want now?

"Hey," Louise greeted, looking me up and down as she usually did, stirring a kick from Elise.

"What do you want?" I ask bluntly.

Elise timidly steps forward, unsure of whether they should pass on whatever message they were sent to tell.

"Um…wow Ray are you ok?" she turns her attention to Ray with his now bleeding nose.

He grunts in reply and walks off. Always the gentleman.

I turn expectantly to the two girls, Elise hovering nervously, Louise moving in provocatively.

"Alexia needs to talk to you," Louise says, moving closer to take my arm. "Now."

_Fuck_, I think _not now, please not now_.

I look up and Alexia is watching, I can see her scowl in place at Louise's actions, her eyes flashing fiercely, her body defined as the wind blows her clothes tight. God she's beautiful.

I take a deep breath and I know that this is it, that I've got no choice left, that I have to break her to break her free from me.

"Lets go," I say tersely.

Louise is pathetic as usual, finding reasons to kick me as we walk, to push me, to brush her tits against me. Did this chick have any shame? I mean, fuck dude.

She's standing there waiting, her hair natural and wavy today, her makeup faint, as though she's already been crying, her eyes over bright, her perfect lips forced into a semblance of a smile, turning out more like a grimace.

"We need to talk," she says softly, locking her eyes on Louise and fixing her with such a glare that her and Elise leave immediately.

I don't say anything, I don't trust myself to talk.

She takes a step forward and places a soft hand on my shoulder. "Nick…"

I take a step back, out of her range, out of the fire her hand makes on my shoulder. "What?"

She sighs, I can see her tears of frustration that she's pushing back, trying to be strong, and it kills me. It fucking kills me, but makes what I have to do that much easier.

"Can we go for a walk? Please?"

I can't say no, when have I ever been able to refuse that heavenly face.

"Where to?" I find myself asking as we both look at the open oval.

She places her bag on the ground slowly, trying to find the right words as she does so.

"Walk with me."

She doesn't touch me this time, just starts to walk toward the middle of the oval, the main event for everyone around us. I realise she picked this place on purpose, it's open, no where to hide, impossible to run. She was always so much smarter than me. So much better.

"What's up?" I ask casually.

She gives me her famous 'are you kidding me?' look and I force a smirk.

"Do you even still love me?" she asks right out, never one for side stepping how she feels.

_Yes! With my everything_! That voice inside me screams. I almost say it, then I remember why I'm here, I remember I'm doing this for her.

"I don't know," I manage to croak.

She doesn't fall to pieces, she takes in my words and nods. "I see…well do you want to still be with me?"

_Fuck yes, tell her you will never stop needing her. Tell her, DO IT, why can't you? Are you a pussy now? Are you a liar? Are you just like every other guy?_

"I don't know!" I scream out without meaning to.

She stumbles back like I've smacked her, but she doesn't fall, she doesn't cry. She laughs. And this scares me more than anything.

"Lex?" I whisper.

Somehow she's rocking back and forwards while standing, arms wrapped tightly around herself, holding herself together.

"Not again," she's muttering. "Not now, please…no…"

She's still laughing, so hard that she's choking, but I can't see her face, she won't let me.

"Lex?" I try again, louder this time.

She looks up and I realise she was choking from the sobs, she's crying, hard, harder than I've ever seen her cry before. I can see her breaking in front of me, piece by piece falling apart, and I know it's my fault.

Instinct takes over and I wrap my arms around her, protectively, comfortingly, lovingly. She fits here and I choke back my own sobs as I realise this is probably the last time we will be molded together like this.

"I-I'm sorry," she chokes out.

My eyes widen _she's_ sorry! What for? For loving me? For being perfect? For being better than me?

"What?" I spit out and I know it sounds like an accusation.

"I wasn't g-g-good enough. I nagged too m-much. I was a t-terrible girlfriend."

It suddenly hits me what she's saying 'wasn't', 'was', 'nagged', past tense. She's already accepted it, already admitted defeat. Pain burns deep inside me, how could she give up so easily? How could she just accept it? Did she really love me after all?

Her eyes are red, she's looking at me, tears streaming down her face, so beautiful, so _breakable_.

"You did nothing wrong babe," I tell her, cursing myself for getting drawn in again. "It's me, not you."

She cries hard again, clinging to me, trying to push herself as close to me as possible, to breathe my scent in, remember every part of me, _memorize _me.

Suddenly she pulls away, and swipes angrily at her tears. "So stupid," I hear her mutter and I want to take it all back and tell her I'm just too stoned to think.

"I probably look ugly," she says sheepishly.

I grab her chin in my hand, her face swollen, red, tear stained, but still so beautiful. "No," I say fiercely. "You will _always_ be beautiful to me."

She scoffs at this then quickly goes silent, thinking everything through again. "Is there someone else?"

It was barely a whisper.

"No, never, how could there be?" I answer fiercely, stung that she would assume such a thing.

She pushes me away violently now, accusations in her eyes. "Then why?" she demands. "Why are you doing this? Aren't I good enough for you? It's your weed isn't it? It's more important than our relationship. Isn't it? Isn't it!"

She's pushing me now, hitting me with hysterics, it hurts, but not as much as hurting her. I deserve worse, so I take it, I let her hit me, then I pull her towards me, holding her close. Inhaling her unique scent, metallic, sweet, pretty.

"It's ok," I croon, mimicking how my mum used to hold me. "Everything will be ok."

I regret these words. As soon as I say them because she stiffens, her tears stop and she takes a step back, staring at me intensely. I brace myself for the punch I know is going to come, I brace myself for another round of hysterics, of accusations but nothing comes. And when I look back at her face her twinkling eyes are dead, her skin has lost its glow, her shoulders are slumped and her smile lost within the pain.

Defeat.

She has given up in defeat, my little fighter has lost her will to fight, and I took it away.

"Nick," she murmurs in her soft, velvety voice.

"Yeah babe?"

"Kiss me, one last time. Lie to me," she says looking right in my eyes. "Make me believe for one second this was real, that it meant something."

That's when I feel my own heart break.

"Sure," I murmur back and I pull her close, I press my cheek against hers gently. "I'll never forget," I say softly then I press my lips against her full ones, she puts her arm around my neck, the other cupping my face gently and she pours herself into me, I can feel it, her life force fading away as she pushes everything she has into our intense final kiss. It's wet, and I realise I'm crying, that I've started to shake, that I'm losing control.

I pry her away gently and turn my face away. "I understand if you hate me…"

She slaps me then, hard. "You, are an idiot, a drug fucked idiot," she spits at me. "How can you say such things?"

I just nod, forcing the lump in my throat down. I can't stay here anymore, it hurts too much, I can't think, I can't move, I can't breathe.

"I need a cigarette," I tell her coolly.

She smiles at this, but it's not her smile, I don't recognise it, I hardly recognise her.

"I want you to know that it was real, for me anyway. And that…that I'm not going to give up, but I won't stand in your way. Not anymore. I love you."

I don't say the words back, I can't say the words back. She seems to understand that this is it, she accepts it.

"Goodbye Nicholas," she calls out as I'm already walking away.

"I love you," I whisper back, my final gift to her. I keep walking, even when I hear her sobs start again, when I hear her friends crowd anxiously around her, I don't stop. I don't look back. And I don't tell anyone anything. I just walk, away from the oval, from my friends, from my love. I head to class, because that's what she would want. I owe her that much.

Class was brutal, ironic, painful. I was in social studies and today the focus was on relationships, oh yay.

"So," Mr Thompson began, "Relationships are found everywhere, at almost any age, with different intensities. For example, when you are younger, your relationships are more simple, based on how nice a person is, how often you see them, they are innocent, pure, beautiful and uncomplicated. When you are married it is more official, your love's supposed to be cement as you commit yourself to that person because you have a similar outlook in life and are drawn to their personalities. High school love," here he gestured to us, "Are the most complex of all because who can really tell if it's true love or just a fling? High school love is based on hormones, lust, face value then either becomes more, or fades away."

Everyone in the class was listening intently, and I just wanted to fade away.

"So lets do a poll, raise your hands if you've ever been in love."

I raised my hand with the minority of the class, stupid move really, I was the only guy.

Mr Thompson smiled at me, Alexia was a favourite of most teachers and I could see it pleased him to see someone truly cared about her. Guilt flooded my whole system.

"Now raise your hands if you've ever broken up with someone in highschool because it just didn't work."

I raised my hand, no one seemed surprised, I had worked up quite a reputation before Alexia.

"Finally," _uh oh. _"Who here is still in a long term relationship?"

Everyone looked at me and I didn't have my hand raised. Gasps of shock went through the room, as well as whispers.

"Oh my god did they break up?"

"Do you think he's kidding?"

"He can't be look at his face."

"Who dumped who?"

"She probably dumped his sorry arse, I mean, look at her."

I put my hood up and rested me head on my arms trying to block out the noise, I glanced up to find Mr Thompson staring at me intently. He was no longer smiling.

I wanted today to end. This was quite possibly the worst day of my life. Time seemed to have no meaning, nothing seemed to have any meaning because I had killed her, I know I had. In every fibre of my body, she was dying, all because of me.

"It's all good Powers," Ray told me. "She'll go off and fuck some other guy to forget you and then you can hate her and go on being Powers the player."

I slowly turned my gaze on his, wondering how hard I'd have to hit him to break his nose, then decided against it. Alexia always hated violence.

"Dude, are you even listening to me?"

I flinched away from those words as the bell went.

Getting up briskly I walked out of the room with my bag, and nearly ran out the front, hoping I wouldn't have to bump into any of Alexia's friends, no doubt armed with note pads, pencils, scissors, nail files and shoes, I shuddered at the thought.

"Brutal," I repeated aloud again.

I managed to get out the front of the school before I stopped dead in my tracks, there were no pencil princesses, no shoe sisters, no, none of that, it was much, much worse.

She stood there, looking smaller than I have ever seen her before, but she wasn't Alexia anymore. I guess the best way to describe it would be the snail had crept back into its shell.

I smiled briefly, I can imagine the look of horror on her face if she knew I'd just compared her to 'a slug with a home.'

She caught my gaze and held it, my smile disappeared but I forced my feet forward. Her friends saw me and circled her protectively, Elizabeth took a step forward, as if she were prepared for a fight. I tensed, waiting for her pen, always on her to stab me in the throat.

Again, nothing happened.

I looked and noticed Alexia wasn't looking at me anymore, but her hand was firmly on Elizabeth's shoulder, forcing her to retreat back to the circle.

I saw Ray beside me and saw his need to comfort Alexia, to _touch_ her, to claim what was no longer mine.

I couldn't let that happen.

Pushing past him I walked two meters ahead of where her support group was and stopped. She looked up again with cold, dead, empty, plain brown eyes and nodded at me, but I beckoned her forward.

She didn't smile, not once. She just walked.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hello."

"You…um…ok?"

A big grin spread across her face. "Yeah, I'm good."

_Liar._

"Cool. Can I have a hug?"

She didn't reply, just loosely hung her arms around my neck while I squeezed her with everything I had.

For the first time in, well, ever. She let go of me first.

"You'll miss your bus," she mused.

I nodded. "I could, you know…stay here with you."

_What the fuck are you doing man, what the FUCK are you doing._

Alexia cocked her head to the side studying me, then turned away. "You're starting to sober up Nick, you're not making much sense."

How odd this phrase must have sounded to anyone else, but to me it was only pain.

What else could I do? Nothing. She had already walked away, linked arms with Elizabeth and was now heading further down the school.

_Out of my reach_, I mused again, before Ray roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the bus.

I shoved my hands in my pocket and found a rough piece of paper slice part of my hand.

I took the now blood splattered note out and opened it.

_I love you._

I ripped the note in half and threw it into the wind and kept walking. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why did she have to make things so difficult. Why the fuck did I ever get involved.

And that's when the flash backs started.

_It would make me look like the biggest pussy had I told anyone this, but the moment I saw her I just knew, she was meant for me. I had to have her. She walked in with her bright hazel eyes, glowing, her plump lips pursed in concentration and a body that made me shift uncomfortably in my chair. She was perfect. She was an angel. She was completely out of my reach. But I needed her to be mine._

_There was a moment, 'the moment of truth' she had joked with me, when our eyes locked for a moment, was it a moment though? It felt never ending, yet ended too soon. It was when our eyes locked and her smile froze that I felt it man, I felt our hearts connecting, how pathetic is that? It's true though. And then she smiled at me, a big, sincere, beautiful smile and I felt a blush creep into my traitor cheeks as I was forced to look away._

_Who was this girl? But more important, whose was this girl. I acted it, but I wasn't stupid, she had to have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, either way, it was just a challenge I had to get through. It makes me sound like a prick that I had an obvious disregard for any relationships she might have, but you gotta understand, if you saw her, you would understand. She was my Christmas presents laid out before Christmas in plain view, she was eleven fifty five, the five minutes before I was eighteen. She was…everything good and everything I knew I'd never be. _

"Powers!" Ray hissed punching me in my arm knocking me out of my day dream. "This is your stop."

I didn't acknowledge him, didn't acknowledge any of the staring faces, I just got off the bus and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, on breathing, on pretending I wasn't falling to pieces.

I made it home in one piece, well, to be specific, many pieces.

I didn't say hi to my mum who was home early, I ignored Tiff calling my name, I went into my room and I punched the first hole of many in my wall. A mark to remind myself of how much I hated myself, of how pathetic I was, of the biggest mistake I will ever make.

How long did I lie in my bed, staring at the empty walls, how long did I stay still, just my eyelids blinking when need be and my chest moving with my breath, how long?

It might have been years because I started to hallucinate, I could hear her voice in my head, but I knew she wasn't here.

"_What's wrong baby?" _

"You're not real, I'm just going crazy."

"_Baby, you're such an idiot sometimes, but it's ok, if your going crazy I'll be your nurse."_

"Shut up," I whispered, "Leave me alone."

"_What for silly? It's just you and me right? Soul mates forever? No one can ruin what we have baby, I'm your girl for life."_

"No," I moaned, rolling off the bed onto my knees.

"_Are you ok?" _I could feel something rub against my arm softly.

I didn't respond, if I didn't acknowledge it, she would just go away, I shut my eyes and then I saw her, beautiful, but bloody, holding her heart that was now in pieces out to me.

"_I don't need it anymore," _she told me in a whisper. _"There's not much left of it to be useful anyway, here, take it, smoke it up if you want, maybe then I could come close to being what you need."_

"SHUT UP!" I yelled as I snapped my eyes awake and found Tiff staring at me, the anger in her eyes quickly fading.

"Nick, what happened, are you ok?"

I slowed my breathing down as I realised it was just a nightmare, I nodded at my sister.

"No, I mean, are you _really_ ok, you're crying."

I hadn't even realised there was a stream steadily flowing down my face, I brushed them away impatiently then looked up at my sister, crouching down to hug me.

"I think I did the wrong thing," I confided in her. "I think I fucked up."

Tiff gently patted my back. "So it's true. It wasn't just rumours I heard?"

"What rumours?" I asked.

Tiff sighed. "Alice saw Alexia running out of the school crying hysterically, she said she…fell over a few times, couldn't breathe, her tall blonde friend had to practically carry her…"

Why was she telling me this, was she trying to kill me? It couldn't be true, Alexia was the strongest person I knew, she didn't look upset at all after school.

I moved away from Alice's touch as I felt more tears fall down my face. "Yes, it's true," I rasped. "We're done."

Alice sighed. "Nick, you can fix this, call her."

"No," I yelled. "You don't understand."

"She will."

"It's better that she doesn't."

I could feel Alice rolling her eyes. "You are an idiot."

"So I've been told, now leave me alone."

Alice obeyed and shut the door quietly.

I lay on my bed, face down on the pillow which smelt like her and cried like I have never cried before. I don't know how long it lasted, might have been hours before I finally drifted to sleep, hoping I wouldn't have to wake up tomorrow.

The morning came, bright, sunny, birds chirping, the most depressing morning I could have woken up to.

"Pancakes honey?" my mum asks me in an overly bright tone.

I sigh, she already knew, pancakes were her solution to heart break. I wonder if she'd make enough for Alexia to have too?

_Stop it_, the voice tells me, this time cold. _You need to stop referring everything to her._

But she _is_ my everything.

_Not anymore._

I swallow the lump in my throat again. "In a minute," I tell mum as I head out the back to my cubby house.

Ray is already waiting for me inside, high as a fucking kite. He passes me the home made bong. "Up for a session?"

I take the bong silently, lighting in then enhaling it, feeling the wonderful sensation on lightness fill my head first, then my body. I smile in triumph, tipping the water out clumsily and putting the bong in my bag. I was going to get through today, because I wasn't going to feel anything.

It was quiet when I got to school, or perhaps the humming in my head, some tune I couldn't quite place was blocking everything out.

I'm fine, I realise. I'm not so broken after all.

It's business as usual, six bongs before school starts under the underpass with the boys, then we all mosey on up, laughing at anything and everything so that our first class is bearable.

I feel content this morning, like a big weigh has been lifted off my shoulders. I knew I had done the right thing, I knew this would be the best thing.

_For who?_

I ignore the voice this time, maybe I was getting drug fucked, hearing voices and all, I pushed the thought aside and continued strolling towards my first class.

I can't see her anywhere, and this makes me even happier, maybe she's moved schools?

I'm euphoric as that thought hits me.  
Then guilt quickly follows. Who the fuck have I become?  
Again I push the thoughts about and allow the numbing sensation to take hold.

_Gonna be a good day_ I tell myself. _Gonna be a great one._

It's a boring day really, nothing of interest happens in the first hour, in fact, I manage to catch a couple Z's in Science. No one tries to wake me up, I'm already a drop kick to them.

Recess comes too slowly and I'm fucking starving, and aware, the hit is starting to wear off, I'm starting to feel the aching creep back in and anxiety floods me. I need to find Ray and have another session, I can't get through this day otherwise.

The bell goes and I all but run out of the room, leaving my books behind.

Fuck it, who needs an education anyway when you know you're never gonna get anywhere.

I can't find Ray in the canteen, so I go to look for him, in the courtyard, not there either, panic grips me. It's stupid I know, but I'm starting to _feel_ again, I'm starting to _die_ once more.

I suddenly hear him and I follow his voice.

"-And you know, just because you and Powers aren't together anymore, doesn't mean we're not friends."

I walk closer and I see Ray lean down to hug Alexia, but I can't see her properly from behind his tall frame.

"I am always here for you," he tells her, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Thanks, so much," she tells him in a casual, emotion free voice.

He steps back and I see her for the first time.

She looks amazing, my breath catches at the very sight of her.

Her hair is curled loosely, hanging around her face perfectly, her make up is beautiful, light, but done to perfection, accentuating her eyes and lips.

She's wearing a purple top under her tight white one which shocks me, it's a colour I've never seen on her, I wonder if that's why she's wearing it.

Her jeans are dark, but faded, tight fitting, sexy.

She sees me at that moment and I plaster a smile on my face and start to jog past grabbing Ray.

"Hey Lexi," I call out in my best enthusiastic voice.

She turns to me and smiles, it's a real smile, no pain, but it's not her smile.

"Hey Powers," she replies and I flinch, she has never called me that.

"You coming?" I ask Ray, unable to keep the act up much longer.

He shakes his head and puts an arm around Alexia and smirks at me so she can't see.

"I thought I'd hang out here for awhile."

I'm stung, I'm pissed off, I'm seeing red, but ultimately, I'm helpless.

It's not my place to say who she can and can't hang around with, I can't get defensive, she's my _ex_ girlfriend.

"Alright, well I'm gonna head off," was I speaking to myself or them?

Alexia just shrugs and starts to walk into the canteen completely disregarding my presence.

"Who the fuck is she?" I mutter aloud.

Elizabeth gives me a sharp look. "You created her," she whispers so only I can hear before following her bestfriend.

I feel my eyes grow hard, my lips purse and my fists clench. I've already started it, so I had to finish it. I can't be a pussy anymore, she seems fine without me so I'm gonna make sure there's no chance for her to want to come back.

I decide to make her hate me. Alice walks past me, I slap her arse and wink, pushing the disgust from my mind. She traces her arms down my chest then giggles and walks off.

It shouldn't be too hard.


	2. Not so clean cut

"Do you even care what you're doing to her?" Tiff snarls at me two months later.

I know exactly who she is talking about but I play dumb. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about dickhead!"

I just smile at her. "Do I?"

"You know what? You probably did her a favour."

It stung, but I let it slide. "Still don't know who you're talking about."

Tiff scoffs. "It's stupid, that you can forget about her so easily but she's still waiting for you to wake up to yourself. I was in the councilors office all morning with her and Elizabeth, watching her shake she was crying so hard. I told her you were a dickhead but she defended you. 'He's a good guy, just not mine anymore. I don't blame him.' You were right the first time, you fucked up."

Tiff walks away leaving me pissed off, but not at her, at Alexia. Why can't she make this simple, I mean fuck, does she have to be so impossible? I didn't nearly fucking kill myself just so I could watch her follow after me, a corpse with a pretty smile.

I get my phone and I dial the number I promised myself I would never call again.

"Nick?" she sounds so excited it takes me a second to remember what I had to do.

"Keep saying shit about me bitch and I'll get you bashed," I snarl.

"What…I didn't…"

I hang up on her, I don't wanna hear her cry, I just want her to hate me, more than I hate myself if that's at all possible.

She's calling me back, once, twice, three times, on the fourth time I pick up, hoping she'll yell at me.

"What did I do?" she's sobbing.

"You know what you did bitch," I screech.

Her sobs become louder. "I didn't say anything, I wouldn't say anything…Nick…please…I'm sorry, just don't hate me."

I can't handle much more than this. "Just fuck off Alexia, we're done ok? I never want to talk to you again, get it?"

I end the call before her sobs can injure me any further.

Five minutes pass before I get another phone call, from my mate Wallace's sister Makayla.

"Hey man," I answer.

"Hey,"

I can tell immediately she's upset.

"What's up?" I ask, already fearing for the worse.

"What the fuck did you say to Alexia," she snaps at me.

I cringe on the inside. Fuck.

"Nothing, told the bitch what she needed to hear."

"Ring her up and apologise. Fuck you're an arsehole, what did she ever do to you? Care?"

_Exactly._ I think as I end the call.

I call her number one more time, she picks up right away, she just doesn't say anything this time, just cries, cries so hard I feel my soul start to break in pieces _damaged_ like a murderers. It's the same thing here isn't it? Except maybe I'm being crueler, I didn't give her the clean cut I was hoping for, I'm not making this quick, painless. I'm not killing randomly, or for self defense, I'm doing it for her…and for selfish reasons.

Whatever. There was nothing I could do about it now, except continue with what I started and hope that it works.

"Look closer to your own back yard," I snarl. "I know everything you say about me you stupid bitch. I'll fucking make your life hell."

"I love you," she whimpers before she ends the call this time.

The phone drops from my hand, sending the battery flying out, I can't seem to catch my breath. It hurts too damn much.

Tiff comes out again, shaking with fury, its clear she heard everything I just said. "You're fucked," she lashes out. "I don't even know who I'm looking at, I don't even know what she's still waiting for."

I snap, I push her against the wall. "Fuck off," I snarl.

She doesn't even look scared, she just spits in my face. "Go fuck yourself," she screams, pushing me away. "You got no one else."

I knew it. I knew it better than she did. There had been two girls in the past two months I'd fucked meaninglessly, there were no emotions behind it, just the need to forget _her_ face, pointless since she'd burnt her image there under my eyelids.

I'd picked the girls I knew she would hate, drug fucked, sluts, bitches, everything she was not. I had made sure she would hear about it, the week after our break up, I'd made sure she was at the same party that I hooked up with one of our mutual friends. She _had_ heard about it. She had been told by half the school about my little escapades, and yet nothing, no hate, no disappointment, just self loathing at herself for not being what I needed.

Why was she doing this to me? Did she think I enjoyed hurting her? That her tears didn't effect me? Why did she think I refused to go to homeroom anymore, apart from the fact it was suicide as Elizabeth and Maree would gladly kill me, it was her face, the tear stains permanently etched into it, her already petite body shattered, frail, lifeless, and her smile that never came. Did she honestly think I could sit around and watch that?

I shook the thoughts from my head, I couldn't keep focusing on her pain, it would end up destroying me, I needed to make myself useful, to put all my efforts into helping her get over me, it was what she needed, what would make her happy in the long run.

It was what _I _needed to. I mean, I'm not even sixteen yet, I haven't even lived my life and she's already got me one foot in the door to the alter. Nah, fuck that man. We're too young for that shit, too young, too immature. I can't be that guy for her, not yet, not now.

"Nick honey?"

I stare unwillingly at my mum who's always got disappointment in her eyes when she stares at me now.

"What?"

"I got a call from the Principal today…we need to talk."

"I'm done talking mum."

"You're failing Nick."

She was wrong of course, I had _already_ failed, at the only thing I was good at, taking care of _her._

"And?"

"_And!_ This is your future young man, you had better start recognizing that!"

"And if I don't give a fuck?"

"I have worked so hard to give you the best, to make sure you were never neglected, I have tried to hard to help you and you're just going to throw it back in my face?"

"Fuck off mum."

"No, I will not _fuck off_, not until you agree to set up a meeting with the school so we can work something out. I did not bring you into this world just to watch you throw everything away in front of my eyes."

"Close your eyes then, fuck. I hate school, can't you just fucking, home school me or something?"

"I have work Nick."

"Not my problem then is it? Like you always say mum, sometimes you gotta sacrifice some shit to get what really matters."

I don't give her a chance to reply, I walk out. She doesn't even follow me anymore, no one does. I don't think anyone can bother caring. That's good. I like that.

My phone's ringing, I don't even check who it is. I never do.

I'm nearly at the local drug dealers house and my phone has been ringing the whole time. As I pull my phone out my mouth drops.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hi," Alexia is cold, business like. "I won't take up much of your time, I'm just ringing with a question."

"Yes?"

"Is it worth it?"

"Excuse me?"

"Throwing away your happiness for nothing, fucking people that don't care, just to get to me. Is it worth it?"

What the fuck do I say back to that? Guess she did care more than she let on. I guess my plan is working. Surprising how much that fact actually fucking hurts me.

"Well?" she presses again.

"I am happy," I lie.

She's laughing, hard, almost hysterically but with no humour. "If that's what helps you sleep… anyway, I just rang to tell you that you worry too much about what is going to hurt me. I'm fine. If I had no morals I'd fuck all your friends, but I do, so I won't, but instead of concerning yourself with trying to destroy me, how about you work on looking after yourself? Have you been sleeping, you look terrible."

I'm not sure what to say, so I don't say anything.

"Cool. Well, I don't wanna distract you from scoring more drugs. Basically I rung to tell you, _be happy_. You deserve it. Forget anything else, just do everything for you."

"Ok," it's all I can manage to say.

This time she laughs but it's softer, a laugh I'm more familiar with. "Stay out of trouble slugger,"

"You too," what a stupid reply.

Another laugh. "You made sure of that."

Dial tone. Incomprehensible pain. Then numbness.

I'm falling before I can register losing my balance, I'm on the ground before I can break my fall and I'm flashing back to my most treasured memories, before I can block them out.

"_You going to help me out slugger, or you just going to admire how good I look in a kitchen?"_

_I laugh. "Well, I gotta admit, that apron does suit you."_

_Elizabeth rolls her eyes as Alexander, one of Alexia's good friends tackles her into his arms._

"_I look good huh?"_

_My god does she look good. Hair pulled back into a rough pony tail, loose strands framing her face, low cut white shirt, tight black pants, and of course, the pink apron. Standing by the sink, washing up everyone's dishes, because that's what she was best at; taking care of everyone._

"_Yeah, you're alright," I answer, moving my eyes back to her sparkling, now green ones._

_She moves close, hands behind her back, chest forward, sexy as all fuck. Inches away from my lips._

"_You know, you're pretty cute considering…"_

"_Considering what?"_

_A big cheeky grin lights up her face and then before I know it I have bubbles all over mine._

"_Considering you just developed face rabies!"_

_I look over at Alexander in shock to discover he's had the same treatment and has a facial expression matching mine._

_One, two, three moments of silence, and then we all burst out laughing._

_Alexia rubs my face clean for me then settles herself in my arms._

"_I can hear your heart," she giggles. "It's talking."_

_I loved that about her, how open her mind was, how able she was to take something so simple and make it the cutest thing ever._

"_What's it saying?" I ask, partly curious, partly wanting an excuse to keep her there._

_She smiles up at me shyly. "That this is where I belong."_

I don't have time to recover from another piece of my heart shattering, because I'm being thrown into another memory, even more vivid than the first.

"_Baby?"_

"_Yeah babe?"_

"_What do you think happens when people die? Do you think there's a heaven and hell?"_

_I stroke her hair back and pull the sheet over her protectively._

"_I don't think about that shit."_

"_I do. But I don't think heaven is with God and angels and Hell is with the devil and stuff, I think it's something deeper.."_

"_That's crazy babe, even for you."_

"_No, listen. I think Heaven and Hell is personalized for each person. Like someone's worst fear on Earth would be something that doesn't exist in Heaven and something they live with everyday in Hell."_

"_What would be your heaven then? Ferrero Rochiers that never ran out?"_

"_No," she says kissing my neck gently. "It would be everyday with you."_

_I'm touched, but I laugh at her anyway. "And what would hell be?"_

_She looks at me like I've just said the stupidest thing ever. "Losing you," she says simply. "Nothing else could hurt me more."_

"No more," I'm gasping, holding my head in my hands on the side of the gutter, real classy.

"_What are you doing?" I ask when I find Alexia standing over my pillow, something in her hand._

"_Um…nothing…"_

"_Alexia, what are you doing? Sniffing my pillow for weed?"_

"_No…"_

"_What's in your hand then?"_

"_Nothing, it's embarrassing…"_

"_Show me."_

_She turns, red faced to show me what's in her hand. It's her bottle of perfume. Charlie Gold. Her signature scent._

"_I was spraying your pillow, so even when I'm gone it smells like me. I'm sorry…"_

_I pick her up in my arms and plant a kiss on her lips. "I love you," I tell her sincerely._

_She grins at me and kisses me back. "Forever."_

I'm slammed back into reality, which hurts more than the actual memories. I didn't realise until now how much I actually missed her. How much I needed to see her smile.

"Powers?" Gill is standing over me, joint in one hand, other hand stretched out to me.

"You greening man?"

"Nah man, I just need some air, I think I got the flu or some shit…"

Gill doesn't ask any questions, he never cares enough to, but he helps me up and starts to walk me inside.

"Sure you're ok man?"

"Yeah, just dealing with some shit."

He nods, "Yeah, brutal… tell you what man, I like you, so I'm gonna give you this one for free."

He hands me a small pink pill with a sinister smile. "Takes it all away man, just makes you feel like you're flying."

"_I wish I could fly, you know, to escape and see the world from a different perspective, be free for once."_

"_If you're a bird, what would I be?"_

"_Who said I had to be a bird?, I was thinking more along the lines of a fairy."_

"_Fairy then, and what would I be?"_

"_You would still be Nicholas, the boy who captured my heart."_

"Get out my fucking head," I snapped quietly.

Gill raised an eyebrow and placed a second pill in my hand. "Brutal," was all he said before he waved me off in dismissal.

I can't feel anything, I'm not even aware of my feet hitting the pavement and carrying me home. I'm not aware of anything, other than those two little pills I clutch tightly in my hand and concentrating on keeping the memories out.

"Home so soon?" Tiff states in disgust.

I shrug her off and head to my room to put the pills with the rest of my stash, still not sure what I want to do with them.

"Are you eating?" mum calls out when I collapse on my bed.

I turn my head, right into my pillow and I smell it, I smell _her. _I jump up and throw the pillow away from me.

She did this. It's all her fault. She made sure she put her mark on everything, that she would be impossible to forget, that even getting stoned couldn't remove her from my mind. I fucking hated that she did this, that she knew I couldn't be strong enough to keep it up.

I grab one of the two pills, a jacket and my phone.

"I'm going out."

Mum doesn't ask where, doesn't ask when I'll be home, she just looks at me. "It didn't have to be this way."

I start to put my shoes on ignoring her.

"She would still take you back I think."

"Stop thinking, it's dangerous," I snarl as I throw myself out the door.

A hiss from Tiff, a sigh from my mum and then it's silence as I pull my phone out looking for a party, any party, with lots of girls.

Dancing. I never danced and here I was, dancing for at least two hours to fucking Britney Spears for gods sake, but you know, nothing seemed wrong with that. I felt good, better than good actually, I felt fucking amazing. Nothing but energy coursing through my veins, nothing but artificial happiness spread through my whole body leaving me with a permanent goofy mask.

I was going to kiss Gill when he came back.

Well maybe not kiss, but I'd hug him that's for sure, this was the best present anyone had given me.

Energy, happiness and obliviousness. Could life get any better?

"This is pretty fucking cool," Peter grins at me, half naked dancing with two chicks.

I grin back at him, this was definitely the life to live.

"I don't even know why people are so against drugs," Ray babbles on the other side of me. "This shit should be legal! Imagine if ya could just pick it up from tha local shops or somethin wouldn't it just make everyone 'appier?"

We all call out in encouragement as Gill, sitting on a chair on the table like some sort of Drug king smiles down at us and nods.

Robbo comes in with a big packet of weed and becomes our new god as we all dance around him in some sorta worshipping way and wait for him to share his score with us.

Five girls sneak in with him and I forget the weed and find myself tuning this bitch called Rachael up.

"You want to go for a session?" I ask, my knee jiggling with excess energy.

She nods eagerly, running her hand up my leg before leading me outside to where there are groups of people everywhere doing everything.

It takes three cones before her eyes roll back and a lazy smile crosses her lips. "You good friends with Gill?"

I shrug. Is anyone?

"He's…nice," she murmurs.

I just nod this time, humming to myself.

"Powers," Gill calls out.

I turn around. "What cunt?"

"You're not fucking my woman are ya?"

I laugh but it comes out all wrong, half choke half cackle. "Nah man, we're just talking."

She giggles too, probably at nothing though and walks slowly, like she's sleep walking over to Gill who throws her over his shoulder and winks at us guys.

"Home time boys," he calls out. "Welcome home ladies."

We're all laughing as we take turns giving each other piggy backs and racing each other through the streets.

"Aight man, I'm going to bed," I tell Peter, who still has one of the bitches clinging to him.

He smiles up at me, childishly. "Us too."

I'm still laughing, still dancing as I go through the back and into my room. Fuck this is a good night. I haven't felt this good in so long.

I look at the time, three forty a.m and it makes me start laughing again. I have to get up for school in four and a bit hours, how fucking insane if I was still like this when I got up. Ha I can see everyone's reaction now. Something is digging into me as I lie down, getting up I pull out my phone and the shape looks fucked up so I start laughing again, then automatically I'm dialing a number, without even really knowing what I'm doing.

"Hello?" she picks up, still groggy.

I freeze, in panic, not even aware that it was her number I was dialing.

I do not feel light anymore, I'm not dancing, the smile is gone and it's not a good shaking that I have.

"Nick?"

A final memory hits me so hard I fall backwards onto my bed.

"_Baby, it's three thirty in the morning,"_

"_I know, I just got home, were you sleeping?"_

"_No, I was just baking cookies, they should be ready soon."_

"_Really?"_

"_No you douche, of course I was sleeping!"_

"_I'm sorry…"_

"_It's ok."_

"_I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to bed."_

_I can feel her smile through the phone. "Aren't you adorable?"_

"_I'll let you go back to bed now babe, I didn't even really mean to call, I guess I just like hearing you before I'm about to crash. I love you."_

"_I love you too baby, goodnight."_

It takes me a second to realise she is still waiting on the line, and that subconsciously, I'm still waiting for her to say goodnight.

"I'm wasting your credit," she says softly. "So I'm going to hang up. Goodnight Nick."

She hangs up and I just lay there. Pissed off.

Is nothing sacred? Am I going to have to become a vegetable to get her out of my head? No drug seems to work, no amount of sex seems to work.

I slowly drift to sleep, tears of frustration in my eyes, dial tone still in my ear.

Today is not a good day. Everything hurts. My head is crammed with so much pressure I feel like taking a hammer to my head and hoping I can knock myself out long enough for some of the pressure to be released.

They're all staring at me, the "Mascara Mafia" they're everywhere, multiplying everyday, looks getting deadlier, I swear I can almost hear knuckles cracking as I trudge past. I wish they would hurt me, yell at me, do something. It would take the edge off, bring me some relief, but they won't, because she won't let them.

The worst part is coming up, walking past them to get to my class, walking past the girls' toilets. I swear they've transformed the toilets into a torture room. I'm not even kidding, no guy will go in there, and if they do, they never talk about it after. Chicks man, the best assassins, murderers and spies, and they learnt it all in high school.

I can hear them as I walk past, I have to admit after three weeks I've gotten kind of good at pretending I can't hear them, now I just gotta master how to not care.

"What did she ever see in him?"

"Oh my god, is he ever straight?"

"I can't believe she still won't let go!"

"I know right? We're gonna have to take her out and introduce her to some hot guys!"

"Why need to introduce her? She can have her pick of anyone she wants from the year below us."

"Lucky bitch."

"I know. Look at him walking by thinking he's so hot, ew."

"I know, the only girls that will fuck him are drug fucked which doesn't mean much. He will never get better than Alexia."

I walk faster trying to block them out but their voices are still swirling around in my head, breaking down the walls I've put up in there, weakening my defences.

"Nick."

I don't stop, in fact I walk faster.

"Nicholas!"

I'm practically running now, trying to avoid the punch in the face I know is coming. I look behind me to see if she's still there and when I turn around again I'm knocked over by someone in front of me.

She offers her delicate hand. I refuse to take it and help myself up. How did she learn to get so fast?

"I'm late for class," I tell her curtly trying to walk away.

She steps in front of me again. "No one expects you to show up anyway so it's fine. We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

She grabs the front of my jumper firmly. "Bullshit. I've been patient, I've done what you've asked, I haven't bothered you too much I don't think. I've put up with all your shit for months, even before we broke up and I will continue to put up with your shit because it's obvious you're not letting up."

I open my mouth to argue but she cuts me off. "You owe me this much, to let me explain, to talk. You owe me."

How can I argue with that? She's completely right of course, as always. I can't find it in my heart to make her cry today so I just stand still and nod. Silent permission.

Letting go of my jumper she takes half a step back to distance herself from me and begins. "You were out of line ringing me like that. You know very well that I didn't say shit about you."

"Not what I heard,"

Her top lip comes up in a half snarl. "You don't get to talk right now. It's my turn. Now, why would I say anything? Think about it. I didn't want to break up, but you made that choice for us, so why would I want to fuck up a friendship when I want so badly to keep you in my life?"

_You amaze me._ I stare blankly at her, unsure how to turn this around to my advantage.

Hesitating for a second and only that, she takes a step forward so we're jumper to jumper. "If you want to hate me, to get me bashed? That's fine. Do your worst. But don't you dare come in here and try and make up some bullshit story just so you can find an excuse to yell at me and get me into a fight. Be a man. Take responsibility and do it just because you want to."

I'm weakening under her gaze, and she knows it.

"Nick," she breathes into my ear and wraps her arms around me. "Just be my friend. I promise I'll make it easy."

My arms go around her before I realise it and her head rests on my shoulder, but only for a minute. She's stepping away now, staring deep into my eyes again, no doubt reading me.

"Friends?" she whispers.

"Friends," I agree without really understanding the consequence of what is happening.

She holds her hand out which surprises me, but I take it. We shake once, twice and then it's over, Peter is grabbing me by the shoulder and leading me away and one of her puppy eyed friends is lifting her up into a huge embrace and running her away from me, no doubt to a class they share…maybe an empty classroom.

I shake my head to try and get rid of the images that are plaguing me. It's not going to make it any easier if I allow any emotion to rule my decisions, I can't let myself care if she moves on, if she finds someone that can give her everything I wish I could, that was the point wasn't it? Of this whole thing.

"Powers, are you even listening dude?"

I shake my head a second time and look over at Ray, who has now joined us. "What do you want?"

"I want our best friend back, fuck man, you've been acting so strange for so long now, I thought you were over her?"

"I _am_." _Liar, liar pants on fire._

"Really? So you don't mind if I give her a go?"

"Be my guest," I reply stiffly, too stiffly.

Ray's smile forms into a sneer. "Awesome. I have so many great ideas of what we could do together. Oh man I have wanted to taste those lips since the moment I saw her, bet you didn't know that huh? Aw and the moans she will make from those perfect lips too…mmm mmm, makes me horny just thinking about it. What was her favourite thing to do? Maybe I can show her how it's done."

My hand is shaking, a mind of its own, calling for blood. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to drown him out.

"Ray man, come on," Peter reasons but Ray ignores him.

"I'll bet she looks good naked too, maybe I could dip in her chocolate and lick it off every inch of her, _taste_ her. Hey powers, maybe I'll bring her 'round to some of the parties, she'd look very nice on my arm don't you reckon?"

"She would never go for you," I tried to make my voice strong, like it was a fact, but truth was I didn't know what she was capable of anymore.

Ray, goddamn him, loved my reaction, like he was counting on it. His face lit up and when he spoke next it was in a higher pitch, imitating _her._

"_I'm so glad I've got you to understand me Ray, it's good to have someone close to him get where I'm coming from. You're so good to me, even if the relationship was a lie, it got me you and Peter as friends, I can't ask for much more than that. I hope I can repay you someday."_

"Ray…" Peter began but Ray cut across again.

"I should thank you," he told me, and I knew he meant it. "I really wouldn't have been able to get this close to her if you hadn't broken her with everything you had. Really, nice work mate,"

He handed me three hand rolled joints. "Here."

"What's this for?"

"Fair trade."

"What the fuck?"

He sneered again. "You get the weed, I'll get the girl, we both get exactly what's important to us."

My hand won the fight this time, before I even realised what I was doing my fist pulled back as far as it could and with all my force punched Ray in the face, I felt his nose break under my force, felt his blood stream onto my fist, but above all else I felt sick for letting him provoke me, for playing into his games.

Ray wasn't crying, wasn't screaming in pain, he was laughing and I was automatically reminded on Alexia the day I ruined it all.

"I told her you still cared," he taunted.

"You better not…"

"Don't worry, I won't tell her, she's right, you are pathetic."

Before I can hear anything else the guys have to say, I'm running, I'm running harder than I even thought was possible but I don't know where I'm going, do I even care? I just need out of this place, away from this atmosphere, I need to clear my head, get my priorities in order. I just need to find my own place, away from any distractions, from confrontations, from pain, from causing any pain.

How did I get here? How did I become this….stranger to everyone, everyone but her. She would know me in any form, in any way I acted, because she knows how my mind works, knows deep down why I'm doing this, knows that I'm in pain too, knows me from the inside out, appearances mean nothing.

Could I say the same for her? No. Because she wasn't the same, she was thinner, verging on looking too thin for her usual figure, she'd lost all that glow and bubbly attitude she had, she's lost everything that made her so appealing to everyone, that made her break hearts without even realising. Now I had broken her, and for what? I'm beginning to wonder if I did mess up, if this is actually hurting her more than helping. Fuck knows it was hurting me, testing my limits as a man, as a human for pain, some kind of sick experiment to test how much pain I could actually endure.

Fucked up. This whole thing is fucked up. _I_ am fucked up and I don't know how to put myself together again, I don't know if there's any cure for what I have, or if I even deserve one. No, no, I don't. I deserve much more than the little jibes Ray gave me today, I deserve more than Alexia's anger, I deserve to die. Feels kinda dramatic but I reckon no one would really miss me, how could they? I've gotten really good at playing the arsehole now, at fucking up anything good that comes into my life, I've gotten so good at playing a role, someone with no hope, no future, no point in life that I've become exactly that.

What was the point of even existing anymore? It wasn't like I had a purpose, like I was actually going somewhere with my life, like I was going to make anything of myself. All I did was hurt the people I cared about the most, destroy everything I touched. Life wasn't fair, I hated it, I hated myself, I hated Alexia for turning me soft, I hated everyone that gave a damn about me because it made me feel even worse when I screwed up and let them down.

I hated this place.

I looked around and I was at a bus stop, a bus heading my way. Finally some good luck.

Getting out my bus card I waited patiently. The driver didn't acknowledge me, that brought me some relief, I like being ignored, it's easier. Sitting at the back of the bus I could suddenly hear that familiar contagious laugh outside, practically slamming myself against the window I saw her with Ray, he was trying to tickle her while she fussed over his nose, insisting he see a doctor about it. He brushed her concern away and I could hear him trying to convince her to hang out with him and Peter. I noticed Peter didn't look too comfortable.

I clenched my fist and called to the driver to hurry up.  
Again luck was on my side and he obeyed. I couldn't take my eyes off them the whole way out. Oh the _nerve_ of Ray, and I called him one of my best friends. Urgh, what a sham!

_Are you going to feel sorry for yourself forever?_  
That nagging voice asked me. It took me a second to realise how true that was, had I become _that_ guy. Pining after the girl _he_ broke up with? No, fuck that. No more self pity, none of that soft shit.

Searching my body for some emotion I could cling to I found anger, resentment and it feels good. Damn good.  
I hold onto the feelings the whole trip home, the whole time I'm at home from the minute I light up again, to the minute I fall asleep.

No more Mister nice guy, I tell myself groggily, fists still clenched. Things would be my way from now on.

She's watching me in class, I can feel my cheeks burning as she tries to find a way to get my attention, to check if I'm ok. I scoff, none of that shit today.

As I'm actually doing my work I feel a presence in front of me, grudgingly I look up and she's there, holding all of her stuff, expecting to sit down with me.

_Fat chance._

"Nick?"

I ignore her, she's nothing to me now, not even a memory.

"Nick, are you ok?"

She triggers my anger, how the _fuck_ could I possibly be ok?  
"No, I'm not."

"What happened?" she asks, moving closer to touch my arm, I flinch away and snatch my arm back.

"Leave me alone."

"What?"

She's actually genuinely confused, pfft, like she didn't know I'd figured out about her and Ray, like she didn't know I'd spread the rumour to anyone that would listen.

"Is this about the Ray rumours? Because you know they aren't true!"

Damn her for knowing me so well.

"Nick, what the fuck? I didn't do anything!"

I continue my focus, she's nothing but a fly to me now, buzzing away trying to get a reaction.

My pencil is suddenly out of my hand and she's flung it, across the room.

"How are you going to write now?" she snarls.

"Ben can I borrow a pencil please?"

Ben looks like he's almost going to hand me one until Alexia stares him down and he quickly turns to his work. I too, turn to mine, reading the gibberish I've jotted down.

"Listen to me!" she begs. "What did I do this time? Did I accidentally step on your shadow? Hug your sister too tight?"

"Leave me alone."

She actually stamps her feet and I have to look away to hide my smile, no matter how mad I am, nothing can take the humour out of that.

"No, I will not leave you alone!"

"You're beginning to piss me off, just go away!"

"You don't want to talk to me?"

"Ever again."

"You don't want to even look at me?"

"Nope."

"We were friends yesterday!"

"Nope."

"So, what, you hate me?"

I freeze, how can I lie convincingly enough? I choose to keep ignoring her.

She grabs my chin and yanks up. "You're just going to keep hating me?" she barks.

"Pretty much!" I yell back, I wasn't really lying, I never said I hated her.

Something hard hits my face and I realise she's thrown her pencil case at me, hard, I can feel blood dripping from my nose.

She yanks her pencil case back to her and stares me down again.

"Aren't you finished yet?" I ask wearily.

"No. I can do this forever you know. I will follow you around until you give me a good reason as to why you hate me."

I look her right in the eye, preparing to lie, to hurt her worse than ever. "You're nothing to me," I tell her. "I'm over it. It's your turn to get over it too."

She gasps and takes a step back, then recovering from her shock she nods, she sits back down at her desk and starts scribbling something, I'm ready for a note to be passed to me but then I realise she's not writing a note, she's covering all the pictures of us on her books, erasing my smiling face with black pen.

Elizabeth gives me a look, it's not of anger, it's an accusation. _How can you do this to her?_

I shrug at her meaningfully and go back to my work, empty, I'm not even aware of my heart beating, in fact, if I couldn't feel a pulse under my wrist, I would swear I didn't have one.


	3. Party Blues

Hey :D

It's been forever, i'm so sorry, I didn't have any motivation for this; thank you to Noel Bailey and Auto-Alchemechanicist for reviewing.

This chapter is for XXXJAMESLILYXXX for giving me the energy to add on, owe you big time.

xxx

* * *

If I said that it was getting easier having her out of my life, that she finally got the message made me relieved I'd be lying. Not that I wasn't enjoying any perks, no life was pretty good on the surface. I had all the freedom that I wanted, I had handfuls of girls to choose from, a nice stash of weed, great parties to go to and the school had even given up on trying to make me do anything. Yep, life was pretty good…kinda.

It bothers me sometimes, how I can have everything I ever wanted and I still felt like there is something missing, like there was a part of life I had overlooked, a big part. It was annoying to have my puzzle still incomplete, but it wasn't life threatening, I didn't stay up thinking about it, what would be the point? Live in the now I say, enjoy it all, forget the bullshit.

"Nick, come to bed ," she's calling me but I'm not flinching away from this familiar voice.

Turning around she's in my bed waiting, like always, for me to take what I want and discard her, to let me use her, I think she craves it, likes the thrill, sees me as a challenge she's determined to overcome.

"Not now," I murmur, pulling my jumper on.

Cynthia pouts. "Why?"

"Shouldn't you be hanging out with Tiff or something?"

"She knows I'm here."

"I'll be she thinks you're an idiot."

Cynthia smiles at this. "Everyone does."

There is no humour in this, why was everything so funny to her, a joke? Like there was no room for being serious in her childish little world.

"Come on," she purrs, dragging me back toward her.

I'm sighing, what's the point in resisting? I'll end up doing it anyway. I let her pull my jumper off again, then lock my door, I turn around and already she's completely undressed.

I shake my head softly and let myself fall casually into bed, into her arms, into her body.

And it all means nothing. I feel nothing.

Cynthia leaves quickly and quietly, she's always good like that, giving me space, it's one of the reasons why I keep coming back to her instead of finding some variety, well, if there was variety to find with the girls I see every day, I'm pretty much taboo to most girls at school now.

"Nick, you in there?" Tiff knocks quietly.

I groan as she lets herself in. "We need to talk."

"No we don't, _you_ need to leave."

"Just listen, now you know how much I love Alexia…"

_Who doesn't, girls going for sainthood or something._

"Well, I'm done fighting with you about it. It's your life and your choice and I'm not going to push you back into anything with her."

"Are you on smack?" I ask incredulously.

She holds a small hand up to silence me. "I'm not done. I've been noticing you and Cynthia lately and I think maybe you guys should give it a go."

"What?"

"Cynthia, I think she really likes you, so maybe the best way for you and Alexia to move on is if you go out with Cynth, that way it's officially done."

"It's _already_ officially done Tiffany."

"Why won't you? You guys spend enough time together."

"Yeah, fucking. I don't know anything about her other than she likes me better on top, and that's how it's going to stay."

"But, you like her right?"

"Yeah she's cool."

"That's not what I meant."

"I think she's a mad girl Tiffany."

Tiff stands closer and puts a hand on my shoulder, gentle, comforting, my best friend as always. "She can't move on if you don't."

I shrug in response, cause what the hell can I say back to that?

"Alright well we're going out tonight to this local party, you wanna come?"

"Who's going?" I reply, although we both know I mean; will she be there?

"I don't know," she replies to both questions at once.

I shrug again, "I might, I'll see what the boys are doing."

Tiff nods and moves toward the door. "See you tonight."

I grunt in frustration, she knows me too well. Tiff knows that as much as I hate to be anywhere near Alexia with an audience and alcohol to fuel emotions, I had to go there to see her, to see how she was, if she was hooking up, if she still cared. I hated myself for being so dependent on her reactions too.

I shake my head, trying to get the stupid thoughts out, -I thought I was passed this?- and grab my phone to ring the boys and get our night kick started with our favourite party things, weed, bundy and smokes.

"Peter? Hey man, look there's a party on tonight, Tiff knows where, you wanna come?"

"Yeah, I'm down, surprised you are though."

"Why?"

"Elise asked me if I was gonna go, you know, since we had that thing for awhile when you were still with…anyway, I think all her friends are going."

I know what he's saying but I try blocking it out of my head. "That's fine. Your shout tonight remember?"

Peter pauses. "But I have no money for any shit."

I don't know why, but this pisses me off, my veins are practically on fire from all the anger coursing through. "What? It's your shout this time."

"Yeah, and I have no money dude, I spent it all paying my mum back."

"Don't bother coming tonight then," I spit cutting the connection.

I slam my phone into my jeans and head for the bathroom, figuring out what I should pull on tonight as I throw my clothes off carelessly and step into the almost blistering hot water, letting all my thoughts drip slowly away.

*

Nine thirty P.M, I've been here nearly an hour and my self loathing has increased several notches as I'm waiting on her arrival, waiting to see if she does show up, waiting to see how she looks, to see if she still smells the same…

"Hey! The pretty ladies have arrived!" Ray screams as he runs to the gate where sure enough, Elise, Elizabeth, Alexia, Kaylee and fucking Peter have just walked in.

Turning my head away and taking another swig of straight Bundy I can hear a familiar squeal of delight, my head snaps to attention and I can see Ray throwing Alexia over his shoulder and charging her to all the guys so they can all pass her around, like a piece of fucking meat.

Elizabeth is fixing me with a calculating stare, trying to figure out exactly just what I'm thinking, I'm surprised she hasn't got her note pad with her, jotting it all down.

I know I should look away but I can't help myself, I hate watching them put their hands all over her, I can see her in their minds, in their fantasies and it bothers to fuck out of me. Not that I can blame them, not that it's any of my business.

Sighing I force myself to look away and keep gulping down the rum like it's water.

"Hey Nicholas!"

I turn on impulse and she's standing in front of me, radiating light, heat and beauty. Her hair is curled tonight, with some sort of glitter shit through it, make up dark around the eyes making them appear green. She's wearing a light pink top, almost corset like, with ties at the front sides, with a light blue mini skirt, my eyes linger a moment too long on her legs than I look up using all my self control to do so.

"Hey," I reply, surprising myself and her.

She gives me an appraising look then steps closer, my breath catches as I expect her arms to come around my neck…but they don't, she steps around me to hug her friend, also a Nick.

_Idiot, she was talking to him!_

I can feel a blush flooding my cheeks, I prepare to walk away, taking what's left of my pride but I feel a small, warm hand on my shoulder and I spin around.

"You look good," she tells me quietly.

The idiot that I am I just stand there staring at her, trying to comprehend how I managed to get her in the first place.

Suddenly she's close…too close, I can smell her scent and it stirs up wild feelings in me that I've tried to push behind my walls.

She doesn't touch me, she's just almost nose to nose with me, staring into my eyes, a small smile on her face. It shocks me to realise I don't want her to look away, that I could stand here staring at her forever and be ok with that. I find myself leaning in, despite my best efforts not to.

"Vodka?" Elizabeth asks quietly next to us.

Alexia moves her hand up, inches from my face, the softest expression on her face and my breath catches, the moment seems to last forever, I'm waiting for her touch, leaning in hoping to cross the distance quicker, I want to feel her touch again, fuck, I've craved it, and not just the sex, the little touches, the affection, I miss it all.

She pulls her hand away abruptly and beams at Elizabeth. The moment completely gone, my breath comes back in a sudden rush, nearly knocking me over.

"Hell yeah bitches!"

Then she's gone, leaving without a backward glance.

Elizabeth lingers a bit, hesitating, almost like she wants to say something, but then she too leaves, muttering what sounds like, "I don't understand…" as she walks off.

I slouch back trying to calm my heart, to gather my thoughts, to get myself under control again.

"Powers, you wanna come for a session?" Ray asks.

I jump up immediately. "Yes," I agree. "Right now, let's go."

*

Eleven forty five P.M. I am way past fucked, I am completely and utterly smashed and high all in one. To the point that I don't even realise when I'm walking, well stumbling more like it. I love it. It's peaceful like this, being blissfully unaware.

"Good party," Peter comments at my side, drunk but not stoned.

I shrug, giving up on being angry with him. "Yeah man, it's good."

"You still being a prick?"

I actually laugh. "Nah man, we're chill, you're still shouting next time."

Peter's jaw clenches but before he can reply Alexia is wrapping her arms around him while Elise rests on his other shoulder.

The girls are completely wasted, eyes glassy, half closed, movements slow, clumsy, voices slurred and unusually high.

Elise whispers something to Peter making his eyes glow as he gently moves out of Alexia's grasp, she tries to walk away, noticing that I'm trying to ignore her but she stumbles and I rush to catch her.

She giggles as I support her weight and she rests on my shoulder, cradled into me perfectly.

"Having fun?" she murmurs.

"Yeah."

"Good. Lots of pretty girls here?"

Were there? I hadn't even noticed.

Robbo comes over at that moment. "Hey man, we still on for tomorrow night?"

"Yeah dude."

"And we still hitting up that Rave next week?"

"Fuck oath."

Alexia sways a little bit and I have to support her whole weight against me to stop her from falling, she kisses my cheek tenderly and Robbo's face lights up.

"I better let you go man, she's trying to get in."

I push Alexia as far as I can without letting her crumple at my feet. "She's my ex girlfriend man."

Robbo's eyes widen. "What?"

"Yeah man, that's my ex."

"The girl that tamed the player?"

I laugh, was that the story going around?

Robbo looks her up and down, taking her in. "She break up with you? I think she'll take you back man."

"Nah, I did."

"She's fucking sexy dude."

"I know." Did everyone have to keep reminding me, I did have eyes, you know.

"She a bitch?"

"Nah man, she's nice as."

"Doesn't put out?"

I feel the blush creep back as my traitor lips pull into a grin as memories of our intimate moments flood my mind.

He understands immediately. "She cheat on you then?"

"Nah man."

"You cheat on her?"

"Fuck off dude."

His confusion is apparent even in my high state. "She's a controlling bitch?"

"No," I tell him, feeling anger through the bliss seep in. "She's perfect."

"Then why the fuck did you break up with her?"

I shrug. Did I really have a proper reason?

"I'm Robbo," he tells her ignoring me.

She smiles and holds a limp hand out. "Alexia,"

"I can take her from here," he tells me, trying to pull her into his arms.

I yank her back with a bit more force than necessary, then realizing what I'm doing, offer her back. "Yeah, go with Robbo," I say stiffly.

"No, you."

Robbo grins, hands up as if in surrender. "Ladies choice tonight obviously and you're it. Might wanna reconsider the 'ex' thing though. Nice to meet you Alexia."

She smiles warmly. "Bye."

She moves sluggishly so that she's facing me. Her eyes are now bright green and she's smiling that special smile she saves just for me. How long has it been since I've seen her smile like that? I don't even know.

"Nick," she whispers, breath hot against my neck.

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a kiss?"

I pause. It would be so wrong to do this, to lead her on, give her false hope. It would ruin all the progress I've made keeping her out. But I'm selfish and I want this, so bad it almost hurts. One kiss won't hurt right? Just the once, she's too drunk she probably won't even remember.

"Will this mean something?" I find myself asking.

She pauses and for a second pain flashes briefly in her eyes but is replaced quickly by determination. "No," she tells me softly. "Not tomorrow."

Her answer scares me, hurts me, because as drunk as she is, she knows that this is just for a night, but I can't give it much thought because her lips press against mine with an urgency I've never felt before.

Her lips are soft even though she's roughly pulling me closer, crushing herself into me, forcing my mouth open with her tongue, tracing her hands over my arms, my chest, my back. My breath starts to come in short harsh bursts, fire is everywhere in my body. Fuck, this is so wrong, but it feels so right.

Then she's pulling away from me, pecking me once, twice, three times on the lips before wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing my neck.

"The police are here!" Elizabeth hisses, with their friend Marky by her side.

She's pulling Alexia but Alexia's grip is iron clad, refusing to give me up, unable to let go of the moment just yet. I don't say anything but I understand completely, I don't want to go back to being empty again just yet either.

Marky grabs Alexia gently and pries her away, carrying her like lovers do on their honey moon, close to his chest, Alexia putting her arms around his neck. Elizabeth puts a jacket over Alexia because she's shaking, but we both know she's not cold, her face is wet and she's looking at me, wounded.

"Five more minutes?" she begs Marky, but he shakes his head, fixing me with a glare.

I hang my head in shame, I truly am the world's biggest piece of shit. I just keep hurting her more and more, because I'm selfish. I want no one else to have her, but I don't want her as my girlfriend either. I like the freedom of trying different girls, I like not worrying about anyone else but myself. I like not disappointing anyone.

"No, Marky please," she's begging, struggling to get out of his arms. "I want to go back, please, I'll do anything."

"No Lex, come on, you're coming home with me, I'll take care of you."

My fists clench, again with a mind of their own. _Take her home?_ I want to run over and punch him in the face and then take her home with me and watch her sleep, watch the small smile cross her face. I don't move. I stand my ground and watch him take her away, literally kicking and screaming.

"Poor girl," Belle says next to me, a girl I only see out at parties. "She's so drunk."

I turn to her and nod. "Yeah she is."

"I wonder if it worked," she mused.

"What?"

"Her plan to make her ex see she's doing ok and they can finally be friends."

I flinch and just shrug. "Who knows."

Belle moves closer and places a hand on my belt, pulling me to her. "You do," she purrs. "You're the ex."

I clench my teeth in frustration, was there anyone in this fucking world that didn't know about us?

"So? We're done, she's gonna get over it."

"Are _you_ over it?"

I'm not strong enough to lie tonight so I grab her by her small arse and pull her to me, crushing my mouth against hers, determined to get Alexia out of my head, even for a couple hours.

Belle pulls back slightly and fixes me with a calculating stare. "You're not going to cry right? Get all emotional about how I'm not her?"

I glare at her. "Fuck off,"

Belle grins. "Is this going to mean something in the morning player?"

Now I stare at her calculatingly, coldly. "It doesn't mean anything now," I tell her honestly.

Belle giggles. "Wow, you sure know how to romance a girl. I really don't want to deal with drama and attitude tonight,"

"Keep your mouth shut and you won't have to," I told her coldly as I captured her mouth with mine again, lifting her up into my arms and heading her towards the sofa bed inside.


End file.
